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The Spooools! Our Oscar-alternative awards…

|O| - O.M.G. The inaugural "Spooools" are here!

Yes we know the Oscars never pick the right films (Drive, Take Shelter) and make glaringly obvious omissions (Senna, Shame), but here at Spooool we love all the glitz, glamour, backstabbing, fake smiles, terrible jokes and embarrassingly emotional speeches that the Academy Awards have to offer.

You can of course check out the official Oscar nominations here but for our alternative take on the awards season, cast an eye over the inaugural “Spooools”.

From Best Facial Hair to Achievements in Gratuitous Violence we’ve tried to shine some light on the films the Oscars deemed unworthy of their little gold statuette.

Be sure to use the comments field to share your thoughts with us in the lead up to the big night on the 26th of Feb, but bear in mind these opinions will all be disregarded and our favourites chosen, this ain’t no democracy.

Best Facial Hair

  • Jean Dujardin [The Artist]
  • Antonio Banderas [Haywire]
  • Jude Law [Sherlock Holmes 2: Game of Shadows]
  • Peter Mullan [Warhorse]

Best Performance by an Animal in a Supporting Role

  • Uggie the Jack Russell [The Artist]
  • The velociraptors – played by some CGI dinosaurs [Tree of Life]
  • The apocalyptic birds  [Take Shelter]
  • Cosmo – played by Arthur the Jack Russell [Beginners]
  • Joey the horse – played by an assortment of steeds [War Horse]

Achievements in Gratuitous Violence

  • That scene in the lift/elevator [Drive]
  • That scene in the kitchen with the hammer [Kill List]
  • That scene with the dead kangaroo [Snowtown]
  • That tattooing revenge scene. [The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo]

Chastain award for Screen Omnipresence

  • Jessica Chastain [The Tree of Life]
  • Jessica Chastain [The Debt]
  • Jessica Chastain [Coriolanus]
  • Jessica Chastain [Texas Killing Fields]
  • Jessica Chastain [Take Shelter]
  • Jessica Chastain [The Help]
  • Jessica Chastain [Wilde Salome]

Most Disappointing Film aka the “We had such high hopes” award

  • Battle: LA
  • Cowboys and Aliens
  • The Guard
  • Our Idiot Brother
  • Young Adult

Contribution to making sure 3-D ain’t all bad

  • Werner Herzog [Cave of Forgotten Dreams]
  • Martin Scorcese [Hugo]
  • Wim Wenders [Pina]

Best R-rated/18s film

  • Drive
  • Elite Squad: The Enemy Within
  • Kill List
  • Shame
  • We Need to talk About Kevin

Contributions to “Scenes of a sexual nature”

  • Ryan Gosling [Crazy, Stupid, Love]
  • Anaïs Demoustier, Joanna Kulig [Elles]
  • Kirsten Dunst [Melancholia]
  • Michael Fassbender [Shame]
  • Carey Mulligan [Shame]

and finally…

Spooool’s inaugural “Man of the Year”
aka “The Fassbender/Gosling face-off!”

Michael Fassbender and Ryan Gosling 2011 and 2012 film roles

Michael Fassbender

  • Jane Eyre
  • X-Men First Class
  • Shame
  • A Dangerous Method
  • Haywire

Ryan Gosling

  • All Good Things
  • Blue Valentine
  • Crazy Stupid Love
  • Drive
  • The Ides of March
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Cowboys V Aliens wasn’t disappointing – it was surprisingly good. Otherwise great categories.

From the director of Iron Man with James Bond and Indiana Jones and the hot lesbian from The O.C.

It did not live up to these high hopes!

Animal/s in a supporting role – Alvin and the Chipmunks – Chipwrecked, Happy Feet 2 !
Embrace the rot that the children are watching ..but then again Warhorse?

This is a million times better than the Oscars. Is that an Italian poster for The Guard?

It is indeed! Here it is in all its photoshopped glory…

A sheep carrying the Irish flag. That sums it all up right there.

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