Louise Bruton is a freelance pop-culture writer from Dublin. Her work has appeared in The Irish Times, The Dubliner and Hot Press. She blogs at notverywise.blogspot.com.
Lindsay. I’m hoping you pull it together.
Just like Drew. Drew Barrymore.
She had her dark years, just like you, even though you’ve got a head of hair brighter than the sun and a collagen-pout that would draw shame from a trout.
Drew’s “rebellious era”, as Wikipedia refers to it, saw her swilling booze, smoking joints and snorting cocaine by age 14, eight years after she made her film debut in ET, age six. LiLo’s “rebellious era” started in 2004 with romantic liaisons with That 70s Show star, Wilmer Valderrama, which then led on to the infamous Hollywood “clubbing” scene, DUIs and shoplifting necklaces she could definitely afford.
I imagine the dialogue between both stars and their guardians went a little, but not exactly, like this:
Father Ted Crilly: Honestly Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Father Dougal McGuire: You’re right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike, I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while it just wasn’t enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Father Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn’t.
Father Dougal: You’re right Ted! I admit I’ve got a problem!
In the interim between E.T. and Scream, Drew made some serious glitches with her movie choices but she later found her zone as the romcom queen. But, not to be pegged as a one-trick-pony, she let her serious/indie side shine through by appearing in Riding In Cars With Boys and her Golden Globe-winning role in Grey Gardens. Her production company, Flower Films, was also behind 2001’s Donnie Darko and she directed the video for ‘Our Deal’ by Best Coast.
She got through to the other side. Lindsay, however, is still tethering in that awful place called limbo.
La Lohan made a graceful transfer from child to teen actress from The Parent Trap to the 2004 comedy Mean Girls, scripted by Tina Fey. Even though the most loved quotes (“Danny DeVito – I love your work.”) come from other characters, she was the bankable star. Post-Mean Girls, she struggled in getting out of the teen movie scene, something that Freddie Prinze Junior knows all too much about.
She stayed in the Disney vortex for far too long with Herbie: Fully Loaded, which starred a talking car, and Just My Luck, which starred McFly. Her subtle 2006 appearance in the Emilio Estevez-directed Bobby falsely led me to believe that she was allowing her star to take the back seat as she found her niche as an actual actress, minus the addition of child or teen to the title.
Then Georgia Rule happened. I Know Who Killed Me, the best, worst “art house” film I have ever seen, happened. Samantha Ronson happened. We almost have eight years of consistent messing around. The same amount of time it took Drew to be downgraded from the most adorable childstar to a notorious party child. Eight years to do a complete turnaround.
Your time has come Lindsay and we want the old you back.
The Parent Trap and Mean Girls are your high points. If my highlights were restricted to the ages of 12 and 18, it would be having no eyebrows (I was overzealous with the tweezers circa my confirmation) and wearing skullprints, exclusively (I thought I was a pirate).
Don’t let this be your legacy, Lindsay. Drew got her shiz together and we have more or less forgotten that she was briefly married to Tom Green, amongst other offenses. Don’t sign on to any old fodder, read your scripts and become a silver screen darling once again. As amazing as I Know Who Killed Me was, that is a mistake you cannot afford to duplicate.