Ok maggots listen up! We’re going to take a stroll through your cinema informing you on how to be the ultimate cinema-goer and if enough people follow it the world will be a better place…
- Be on time, no one likes hanging round the foyer looking like Billy no mates and there is nothing more annoying than missing the start of the film or even the trailers in some cases as they may end up being better than the movie.
- Don’t skip the queue. Now I know you feel like a lab rat in some experiment following all the lines but queues are the basis for all decent societies and without them we’re inches from total anarchy.
- There is no need for hot food, surely you can last 2 hrs without sticking something hot and steamy (a challenge for Nigel) into your mouth, popcorn and sweets are fine but the less plastic the better and don’t open something during a really quiet/intense scene that the whole movie has been building up to, wait until somebody blows some shit up.
- Turn off your mobile phone. Phones have made people think they are way more important than they are, the world will survive without being able to contact you for a few hours and turn them off not on silent , I don’t want to see loads of mini torches in the cinema as people check to see what time their mum wants them home for dinner.
- Talking over the trailers is fine and I don’t mind the occasional whisper during the film to the person beside you saying “I bet you don’t know what they were in?” or to comment on Eva Green’s wobbly bits, although for the later a nod and thumbs up should suffice.
- Keep your shoes on and feet off the seats. I didn’t buy nachos so I’m not mad about the smell of cheese in the cinema so the same goes for your grape crushers. Also you know when you can see the boom mic in the shot (if you don’t know what a boom mic is leave this site now!) and how annoying it is, the same goes for your feet dangling off the seat in front of me, it’s distracting so don’t do it !
- NO CLAPPING. This is not America, unless the director or someone from the film is there under no circumstances clap, I first noticed this trend with the last instalment of the LOTR trilogy and it still gives me nightmares, the fact people were clapping still annoys me too, zing, only joking Peter.
So follow these simple rules and you’ll be much less likely to get an eye roll or tut from me or the dreaded “head turn and shhhh!” combo.