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10 things that aren’t completely atrocious about Transformers 3

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is a bombastic failure. It lacks heart, character development and it’s probably not worthy of anything more than a ★ review. But everyone has read enough from people ripping Michael Bay and his film to shreds so lets take a different tack.

After I got up from the most ridiculous two hours and 34 minutes of my life, I realised… “Y’know what? That was a big old load of bunkum but maybe it’s not completely without merit…”

So without further ado…. I present to you 10 things that aren’t completely atrocious in Transformers 3!

1. There is an Irish transformer!

OK, so a little bit of research tells me he’s actually Scottish. Damn you Hollywood dialect coaches and your inability to differentiate between “Ock” and “Aye”. His name is Roadbuster and he is a Wrocker. Fair enough.

2. The supporting cast!

Alan Tudyk. One of those faces you can never really place. Serenity, I, Robot, V, 3.10 to Yuma. Plays a German personal assistant/computer expert type. Why is he German? Why not?! The accent was probably the most fun.

Throw in John Turturro playing special-agent-turned-author Seymour Simmons and everyone’s favourite Fargo-ite Frances McDormand in her first performance in three years.

These three could just do a sitcom and I’d pay good money.

3. Leonard Nimoy voices an oul transformer with a silly beard!

It’s so silly it even has a facebook fan page – Sentinel Prime’s beard

4. Brain switch to “off position”

The plot is so bad and silly that thankfully it only takes you about fifteen minutes to realise it’s all a load of bull and you can switch the CONCENTRATE sector of your brain off. Very often these kind of realisations only occur when you’re actually left the cinema. Sometimes it can plague you for days until that moment of realisation hits – “god that was brutal”.

5. John Malkovich

Like the aforementioned Frances McDormand, old cranky Malkovich appeared on screens just once this year. He shows up in Transformers playing Sam’s boss. Or something. He appears lost and disillusioned, getting about 8 minutes of screen-time and going kinda crazy mid-way through.

How I yearn for Osbourne Cox, his memoir-writing persona in Burn after Reading. My Memwaaah.

Osbourne Cox: Some clown, or two clowns, have gotten a hold of my memoirs.
Katie Cox: Your what?
Osbourne Cox: Stolen it, or I don’t know…
Katie Cox: Your what?
Osbourne Cox: My memoirs, the book I’m writing.
Katie Cox: Well why in God’s name would anyone think that’s worth anything?

6. Milly Remington-Burberry-Whitley

Megan Fox’s replacement as “the girlfriend”, Rosie Huntington-Whitley, is an even worse actress than her predecessor. And that’s saying something. She seems to spend the entire film with her lips pursed concentrating on maintaining her posh English accent. Which weirdly enough is how she actually speaks – yet it still sounds put-on. What gives?

She does have a particularly triumphant moment sliding down the side of a building which is collapsing and sitting at a strange 45* angle (pictured above). I didn’t think this was something that towers usually do – Pisa, World Trade Center etc – but anywho…

7. O.M.G. “Moon landing not what it seems” shock!

The space race was all just so as America could find the aliens on the other side of the moon! Buzz Aldrin was in on it all!! He cameos in this movie, so he must really believe it too!!!

8. Chicago is destroyed!

Forget Battle L.A. If you want to see an American city get soullessly destroyed by extra-terrestrial beings, fire up Terminator 3. And fair play to them, they’re very thorough with the destruction, blowing things up for over 45 minutes.

9. The parents and their winnebago.

Ah these old jokers from the first two movies reprise their whimsical comic relief roles. “You saved the world Sam, why can’t you get a job?” and so on. Kevin Dunn and Julie White are given a camper van which they park in downtown Chicago in a backstreet beside a dumpster. The most incredulous part of the film is that it lasts the night without being graffitied or set on fire.

10. “The crazy Asian from Community and The Hangover”

Ken Jeong shows up and gets a few laughs. He realises early on that the movie is not going anywhere so promptly throws himself out of a skyscraper window strapped to an office chair.

What a way to go!

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All this added up to make a staggering $1,123,200,000 at the box office. Maybe we’re the fools.

But don’t worry I’m still only giving it ★