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Transformers: Age of Extinction

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The Sperminator – ★

This is a very long, loud and boring film. It’s 160 minutes long. There are three to four storylines taking place at once, none of which are interesting or create any sense of tension resulting in an endurance test of a film. The film cost an estimated $210 million dollars and made about $100 million in its opening weekend in America alone. Michael Bay has already won. This film will make back all its money and then some and there will be a Transformers 5. I implore you not to see this film it is awful and they are three hours of your life you will never get back.

The film is so laden with macho nonsense it’s tiresome. Real men loves guns and explosions and hitting things, ya men, grrr, we’re so manly. Our sole purpose is to protect the women folk and drive fast cars, grrrr, men. You imagine Bay just walks around the set with a massive erection high fiving other dudes. In one of the many chase segments we get a close up on Wahlberg who roars how great it is to fire guns and hit stuff. If you’re eight perhaps but then you see the Hasbro logo at the start and remember this is a toy franchise. It brings to life all those imaginary fights we had with our toys as children, only we’ve grown up.

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gas indeed

I won’t go into the storyline as it’s long, hops from country to country, is full of holes and is essentially just segments of big things getting blown up or beating the crap out of each other. Then comes the seed. We suddenly keep hearing about the seed and how deadly the seed is and how the seed must be protected. So essentially there then is a mission to protect this sperm, sorry seed that some transformer god used to originally destroy the earth and the dinosaurs, it wasn’t a meteor after all. It was transformer sperm, sorry seed. So they have to get the seed out of whatever city they’re in because if it goes off it’ll lay waste to millions of people causing some type of Robot to take over the earth again. So basically ladies and gentlemen this sperm sorry seed no sorry sperm is so powerful it lays waste to nations. Grr manly men.

I imagine Michel Bay is disappointed he can’t make more R-rated films as then he could say the word cunt much more often. Instead here he has to settle for bitch. And he does, many times. There are so many talks about manning up and not bitching out. The worst is when Hound the green transformer voiced by John Goodman is confronted by an alien (who anyone over the age of 16 will see what this alien represents) that covers him in a liquid to which his response is calling it a bitch and blowing it away. Michel Bay’s view on women in a nutshell.

Ireland’s Jack Reynor is perfectly fine, it’s justthat he has nothing to do in the film. At most he has 15 lines of dialogue and Mark Wahlberg has about twenty, in a two hour and forty minute film. There is some good back and forth banter between the pair as they fight for Tessa’s affection (Nicola Peltz). We saw in What Richard Did that he can act so hopefully this will at least garner him some recognition and he can start picking more rewarding roles.

Stanley Tucci gives some light relief but as he doesn’t like to blow up stuff or fire a gun, he’s usually seen cowering under a table or shrieking. Peltz fulfills her role of wearing hot pants and being torn between loving her dad and her boyfriend. Kelsey Grammer must have fallen on tough times for him to appear here but has some fun with the role injecting some Machiavellian evil, surely Frasier is spinning in his grave.

The filming no doubt took a lot of time as they had to shoot all the scenes at dusk and sunset. You should count the number of times you can’t see the actor’s face because there is masses of sunlight shrouding them for added emotional effect. A good 60% of the film is shot from below always looking up making the characters seem larger than life and important and tall and manly. Grrr men.

Once again don’t go see Transformers 4 even to see how bad it is. Just don’t you’ll be a better person.

Released nationwide in Ireland on the 5th of July 2014

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Páraic

Páraic wanted to be a gangster as far back as he can remember. Brought up on a diet of films he was too young to be watching by his brothers, all things 80s teens thanks to his sisters and the classics by his folks he's turned into a well-rounded (maybe a little too round) film lover. Only recently discovering North by Northwest, he longs for a train journey with a beautiful blond.

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